Of strength

"To climb steep hills requires a slow speed at first."
(William Shakespeare)

I've grown to be strong. 

I have always had a strong will, and throughout my adulthood, I've always believed in myself. I've known that I can get through almost anything.

But in the past year, I have had to deal with more heartache and difficulties than ever before in my life. There were times I though it was never going to get better. There were times I doubted myself. I was sad, angry, and hurt. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed. But I did—every single day. I never gave up, even when I didn't feel like trying, because I had this trust in me that somehow things would turn out to be good again.

And it did get better.

Don't get me wrong: I still get sad from time to time. I still don't have everything I ever wanted in my life. But I have the key ingredient to my happiness: myself. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I just realized that I am still me, the only person I ever want to be, and that no one can take that away from me. And that is the best feeling I have ever had.

Being alone does not petrify me anymore. I know I can do it, but it doesn't mean that I still wouldn't want to find that special someone to walk this journey with me. There are times I just want someone to hold me when I'm tired of being strong. I know that this life is meant to be shared.

"You are never strong enough that you don't need help."

(Cesar Chavez)

Somehow I feel that this dress I made this spring for a dinner party represents my journey back to myself:
 

My tulle dreams

 

Husband, two kids, and a dog

I know, it's been forever since I last wrote here. But I have a valid excuse: work. Not just any work, but something I really enjoy, even though it has been taking most of my time lately.

What I've been wanting to write about for a long time is this norm in the Western society: when you reach certain age, you're supposed to settle down, move in together in a house, get a pet maybe and then a kid or two.

I say, bullshit.

Yes, I understand that some people really want that. And that' ok. But I also feel the need to question if that is truly what most people want. For me, it's so hard to imagine that moving in the middle of nowhere with just one person and some kids-to-be would be all that life has to offer. It is something that society wants from us. It is what people do. But so many people also get divorced, and maybe the reason is buried in this expectation of getting it all from you family.

All I know is that I would never ever do that. I want to be me. I don't want to abandon my life and who I am just for a "family dream" that doesn't really exist. What I've learned in my past relationships is that I have to hold on to myself: whatever I love to do alone, I need to keep doing when I'm with someone. I need to be me. 

I know this might be a bit controversial and hard to hear for some people, but I know I'm right: just think back and remember all your individual dreams. Don't give up on them for someone else. Relationships should help you get what you want, not make it harder for you. Too often settling down means settling for.

Whenever I'm going to settle down, it's going to be with someone I can share my adventures with. I will never change who I am for someone else. And I know when I find someone who thinks like I do, we're going to have such a blast!

Happiness is...

These are some of the things that have made me happy recently:

1. Buying fabrics on sale. Last weekend, I went to a fabric store to get materials for a dress I'm making but ended up getting almost 3 meters of totally unrelated (but wonderful) fabrics. And I got these for under ten euros:

2. Scarves. Especially self-made ones. And yes, I made a scarf out of that white-and-blue fabric on the right. Scarves are the best! They keep your neck warm and also look nice.

3. Dresses. They will never cease to make me happy. Admiring them, buying them, wearing them - a guarantee for a good day! I recently ordered three (!) new dresses, and one of them arrived some time ago. It made me smile. And there are two more to come! In addition, I have two dresses currently in the making, and I promise to post pictures when there is a little bit more to show.

4. Nature documentaries. A friend of mine posted on Facebook a picture of DVDs he did not need anymore, and I immediately saw a nature documentary that I really wanted. Now I'm the proud owner of Planet Earth and The Blue Planet.

5. Candles. Even though it's getting lighter every day, candles always lift up the mood. Especially since I haven't had the time or energy to hang my lamp yet. (Shh, it's only been two months since I moved here!)

6. My new apartment. I still haven't finished unpacking, but I like living here. This place is close to everything, and the apartment is the perfect size for me. It's my home (for now).

7. Pub quizzes. I had a project of finding a weekly pub quiz to go to with a friend of mine, and last week we succeeded. And the best part is that it's only a block away from my place. And now I'm off to the quiz again!

Quotes

Some people have already said what I've been trying to put into words in my writings:

"Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists."  

(Antonio Porchia)

"Only those who avoid love can avoid grief. The point is to learn from grief and remain vulnerable to love."
(John Brantner)

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.”
(Erich Fromm)

“Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.”
(William Faulkner)

And here are some of the things my grieving process has produced:

My Halloween costume last year.

 Victoria Beckham at an English tea party.

A scarf that I made for my sister but liked so much that I had to make one for myself as well.

The 'ism' I choose

I am an eternal optimist. It doesn’t mean I’m always cheerful or happy, but it means I get to experience the whole rainbow of feelings. Pessimists, on the other hand, say they never get disappointed—and that’s true since they spend their whole lives wallowing in a realm of disappointment. It’s like the only color that exists in their world is grey. They are afraid of venturing outside that comfortable numbness.

I would never willingly choose grey. I’d rather have all the shades of black in my life, because it means that I also get to see all the other beautiful, bright colors. I’m not afraid to care even if I might get hurt. There's always a chance that I might not get hurt and end up having something really special. In the game of life, sometimes you need to go all in in order to get the big money. Happiness. 

I strongly believe—no, I know—that the key to happiness is not in avoiding negative feelings; the key is allowing yourself feel, even when it hurts.

Another 'ism' that drains all your positive energy besides pessimism is perfectionism. You might think that perfectionists master the art of positive thinking, but in fact they are never happy with what they do. And yes, I confess to be one, at least in some areas of my life. I like having control. However, I have learned to let go a bit, and a good example of that is the fashion illustration class I attended: even though most of the other students were far ahead of me in drawing, painting, or any other artistic skills, I decided not to care. I concentrated on my own thing and practiced. As a result, I accomplished a personal goal: the best human figures I have ever drawn. These might not be pretty to the trained eye, but they are a victory for me:

 

This is one of the first drawings in the class. It is basically copied straight from a fashion illustration book.

Then I moved on to drawing clothes. This is a test of how transparent fabric looks like.

This is my personal favorite. I know it's not perfect, but it's so much better than the ones I was able to draw before the class!

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;
an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
(Winston Churchill)

Yes I can

Year 2011 has been a year of change for me. In addition to finishing my thesis and graduating, I went through a hard break-up and started at a job actually relevant to my degree. More recently, I found a studio apartment, in which I’ll be moving in a couple of weeks, and today I got a prescription for glasses. (Oh my, I truly am getting old!)

So there it is: change. It seems to be around us all the time. However, sometimes it comes pouring over you, leaving you baffled. It takes over your life and messes up your plans. But once in a while, usually when you least expect, it will throw you in the middle of something truly special, something that will make you happy. This has happened to me at least once before, so why couldn’t it happen again?

Most importantly, though, change is not only good for you every now and then—it is inevitable. It might be a cliché, but the only constant in this world is change. Therefore, we should stop trying to resist it and embrace it instead. I am on my way there.

Patience is not my name (yet)

The other day, I was talking about observing other people vs. observing your own behavior with a friend, when it dawned on me: in relationships, I tend to be the "I want it all and I want it now" type. I guess I've always been a bit like this, but recently I've felt the pressure more than ever.

I feel old. Not in everyday life and not in all settings, and I definitely know that I'm not. However, I feel like I should be in a different phase in my life by now. I should have someone special in my life, and we should be living happily together. That is how I had planned my life; that is where I was headed for in my past relationship.

And then, life happened.

Now I need to learn how to adjust. I finally see that I can't just pick up where my previous relationship ended. I need to slow down. I want to take life in as it comes—
I want to live now.

To get there, I need to change. I don't want to hurry the world to make me happy now, when I can just open my eyes and be happy.

"The nuns taught us there were two ways through life—the way of nature and the way of grace. You have to choose which one you'll follow. Grace doesn't try to please itself. Accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked. Accepts insults and injuries. Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things."

(Mrs. O'Brien, The Tree of Life)

Whatever you choose to call it, I want to take the second path, the way of grace, and love life as it is. Maybe one day I will have what I was "supposed to" have now. Meanwhile, I'll slow down and learn patience, by sewing my fall/spring coat, for example.

 

The process of making the coat is taking longer than I initially expected (partly because I work full time now, partly because it's the first coat I am ever making).

Who knows, maybe everything happens for a reason, and patience was a lesson I needed to learn in life. Or maybe it was all just a lucky coincidence.